


My Lover's The Sunlight.

by bubblegumclouds



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acephobia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexual Seamus, Asexuality, Ballet, Ballroom Dancing, Crying, Dancing, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, No Smut, Sickness, but dean messes things up, seamus is a dancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 18:14:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblegumclouds/pseuds/bubblegumclouds
Summary: Seamus is a dancer who uses his ballet to come to terms with his sexuality. Dean invades on his space and maybe makes a few mistakes, but they'll find their way.





	My Lover's The Sunlight.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm back at it with more Harry Potter ships!
> 
> I decided that this time I'm going to include a couple of key webpages I found in my asexual research so it can maybe help someone!  
> Here are the best websites/articles that helped the most- http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/9651265/The-moment-I-realised-I-was-asexual.html  
> http://asexuality.org/  
> http://asexuality.org/?q=perspectives.html&page=
> 
> ALSO, here is the dance I imagined Seamus doing in the Take Me To Church scene (it also kind of looks like an older Seamus too!)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-tW0CkvdDI

Seamus' eyes flickered from left to right, scanning the corridor and ensuring the space was completely empty before he slid into the Room of Requirement. His change of clothes was already piled in the corner exactly where he left it last time and he plodded over to it, quickly whipping off his uniform. He pulled the baggy sweatpants on and his white tshirt clung tightly to his skin while he made his way to the middle of the room.

“Musiflicus,” Seamus called and his soundtrack started. The light violin notes started flowing with the cello symphony and Seamus sat down. With his spine folded nearly in half and his well-positioned hands delicately hovering above his flexed feet, he began freestyling. He knew the music lines off by heart, he'd been practicing to the same lyrics and beat for months. Dancing was Seamus' favourite, it allowed him to escape from any fears he was having about his career path or any school work stress.

There really weren't any resources to help him with dancing but he'd read books on it in his muggle studies. He wondered how it would feel, to involve your whole body in something so... energetic and tell stories without words. He wondered why this was hidden, why he'd never heard of it before now but after a bit of looking into it, he had never stopped. The moment his last class ended he was in his makeshift studio watching and going over every new move he could do.

He was so entranced in a split jump he'd been perfecting for weeks, he didn't notice Dean Thomas discreetly sneaking into the studio. It was known throughout the school that Dean had a gigantic crush on Seamus, well, known to everyone except Seamus. He was oblivious to many things, always just going about his business and never reading into anything. This had driven Dean crazy, he'd been about as obvious as he could stand and Seamus had shrugged everything off.

Dean was certain Seamus was up to something, always going missing and coming back way after classes ended. He decided to follow him, praying to any higher power that his crush wasn't hiding anything awful. Knowing Dean's luck, he was expecting Seamus to be the next You-Know-Who and this was his starting experiments with world ending bombs. Out of all his options, dancing was never considered but now he was watching it, he could never see anything else.

The way his body moved was incredible, the passion that seemed to just be radiating from the smaller boy was infectious. Dean was entranced as Seamus twirled in a jump and rolled to the floor, landing on one hand while swerving the corner. It fit so effortlessly into the music. The crescendo was clearly signalling the end as Seamus twirled and leaped along the length of the room and finally he ended in side splits, his arms reached forward and a desperate look on his face. That moment was when his eyes whipped over to Dean standing awestruck by the wall.

“Dean! Didn't see you there!” Seamus instantly broke character and scrambled to his feet, his ballet shoes making him a bit more unstable.  
“Sorry, I just saw you come here and I was just... I was wondering what you were, um, doing.” Dean attempted to explain but he couldn't quite view Seamus the same after what he'd just witnessed.

“O-Oh, well,” the room went silent as Seamus felt ashamed, “I'm going to leave in a minute, b-but please don't mention this, you know, to anyone.” He began to unstrap his shoes, wishing the mirror would just fall and shatter down on him so he didn't have to be there. He'd been so vulnerable, so open and Dean had invaded that. He was scared and upset, having someone violate such a private and special thing to him had left him so raw.

“I won't a-and hey, don't go,” Dean smiled, trying to put Seamus at ease but he seemed sad, nothing like the positive energy that had been bursting from him earlier. Seamus stopped and stared blankly at him, not moving or speaking.  
“What you were doing, d-dancing, it was, um, really good,” Dean complimented shyly, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly with his hand. Seamus hummed in reply, smiling and looking back down. Dean was starting to think he'd said something wrong, Seamus was never like this. He was always polite and would chat to anyone, sure, he was quiet but he had always been up for conversation.

“D-Did I do something wrong?” Dean asked and Seamus sighed.  
“No, sorry, 's just...” he thought for a second before shaking his head, “doesn't matter, I need to get changed so if you could, um.” Seamus gestured towards the door and Dean bowed his head before leaving. He'd really screwed it up.

Seamus stopped dancing, he'd tried a couple of times but every time he stood there he just felt stupid and embarrassed. He became even more reserved and barely spoke to anyone, the school had become increasingly more worried about his behaviour. Whenever anyone questioned him, however, he just smiled and said it was the work. Secretly the teachers had been decreasing his homework for fear it was causing him to become depressed but he just spent the same amount of time studying for himself anyway.

“Seamus, what's going on in your head?” The healer asked him from where she sat opposite. He'd never expected they'd call a healer in but it seemed they really took his well-being seriously.  
“Not much, work,” he replied as usual.  
“You barely have anything to do but Madam Pince said you were in the library until closing last night.” Seamus knew he was being watched closely but he didn't realize just how closely.  
“Just want to do well in exams, s'all,” he muttered, part of it being truth. He did want to get the best grades but he'd been prepared for all his exams for months.  
“Listen, Seamus. I don't know what's going on but we can't help if you don't talk to us,” she urged, leaning forward in her chair and Seamus gave up. Clearly, they weren't going to leave him be until they got to the bottom of it all.

“I had a goal, something I wanted to do, something that made me happy. Then someone ruined it and I couldn't see things the same way and now I'm just trying to fill the gap. There, are you happy now?” Seamus never got angry and certainly not at someone who was trying to aid him and actually care about him but he was frustrated at it all.  
“What was this goal?” She didn't falter, even with his outburst and Seamus looked down.  
“Dancing,” he muttered so quietly he could barely hear it himself. He wasn't sure he even wanted to hear it.  
“Dancing?” She repeated and Seamus cringed but nodded.

“Well, why was it ruined?” She continued.  
“A friend snuck in and watched me, I didn't notice until I'd finished and I just felt so stupid,” he admitted, hating to recall that first second of eye contact.  
“Why did it make you feel that way, did your friend say something mean?” She seemed concerned, he quickly dispelled that idea.  
“No, no, he said it was good but,” he sighed and tried to ignore the empty feeling in his stomach, “it was my thing, it was my secret and he had no right to see me like that. I just felt embarrassed, I guess.” Seamus had become to get teary but quickly shut it off.

“Have you tried talking to your friend about it? Maybe tell him how you feel?” Seamus scoffed.  
“No, he'd probably think it was stupid.” Dean was a typical popular kid to Seamus, he liked sport and thought people who got good grades had no life. He certainly wouldn't be interested in hearing about Seamus' feelings.  
“How do you know if you haven't tried?” She tried to persuade him but he wasn't having it.  
“I just do, are we done yet?” Seamus snapped and she leaned back, looking over her notes.  
“If you want to be,” she said and with that, Seamus hauled his bag over his shoulder and walked out in a worse mood than when he'd gone in.

That night when he got back into the dorm he was livid, he'd over thought everything and gotten himself to boiling point. He strolled in, unfortunately Dean happened to be the only person in the dorm.  
“Oh, hey Seamus. We were gonna head out to-” He didn't even get to finish his sentence before Seamus interrupted.  
“Oh yeah, so you can go and ruin another kids day? You wanna fuck his dreams up too?” He sarcastically retorted, throwing himself on the bed.  
“Woah, what's gotten into you?” Dean was shocked at the outburst, he never usually heard stuff like that from Seamus.

“It's you! I hate you, Dean, you ruined everything!” He shouted, tears starting to pour down his face. He curled up into himself as Dean paused, quite hurt by Seamus' words as Dean actually adored the smaller boy. Dean sighed, placing himself gently on the bed next to Seamus.  
“What did I do?” Dean asked quietly, hoping he could fix their friendship.  
“You ruined the only thing that made me happy,” Seamus cried, his face pressed into the pillow.

“Was this about the dancing?” He started to wonder when this would arise again.  
“Don't say it,” Seamus hated the word, it brought shame rising over him every time it was mentioned.  
“Seamus, I thought it was amazing, I don't understand why you're so ashamed of it,” Dean just wanted to help him.  
“It was MY thing, MY secret, something I did for myself and then when you came in it ruined it all,” Seamus was heartbroken that someone who would call themselves a friend to him would do that.

“I didn't know Seamus, I didn't know how special it was to you. I'm sorry, I was just,” Dean paused, wondering whether to say it or not, “worried about you. I mean you were always sneaking off and I didn't know why.” Dean sighed.  
“I was sneaking for a reason, Dean. I didn't want anyone to know! I mean, I'm already weird, I don't wanna be the lad dancer too, I'll get my arse kicked.” Seamus got up and tried to make light of it, wiping his eyes and calming down from his burst of anger.

“I'm sorry, I should have thought about that,” Dean paused for a minute, coming up with an idea, “hold on, come with me.” Dean gestured for him to follow as he got up from the bed.  
“I really don't feel like going anywhere, Dean,” Seamus sighed but Dean insisted and Seamus hesitantly followed.

They got to the door of the Room Of Requirement and slipped in.  
“Dean, I gave it up, let's just go.” Even being in the room and seeing his clothes piled up made him sad.  
“No, hey watch this.” Dean smiled and began prancing around the room, deliberately making a fool of himself. Seamus laughed along with him, rolling his eyes and wondering what Dean was doing.

“Now look, I'm terrible so you can't possibly be embarrassed about what you did when I just did that,” Dean panted but still had a beaming grin on his face. Seamus actually felt happy for the first time in a while, he couldn't believe his friend would do that for him.  
“Go on, show me how it's done!” Dean leant against the wall and Seamus still refused.  
“No way!” Seamus giggled, he wasn't going to perform for Dean.

“Alright, I guess I'll just have to drag you in with me then!” Dean chased after Seamus, pulling him to the middle of the room by his hand.  
“What's that dancing muggles do? Room ball?” Dean's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and Seamus laughed.  
“You mean, ballroom?” He corrected and Dean nodded.  
“Yeah that, let's do that!” He excitedly bounced, grabbing Seamus' hand and spreading it out towards the mirror and putting another on his hip as he pranced them around the room. They were both laughing and not really doing anything properly but they had fun so who cared.

“Oh, jesus, shit!” Dean called as he fell to the floor and Seamus tripped over him, falling on top. They both began laughing hysterically at the accident, wiping tears from their eyes. Eventually, they took a breath.  
“Man, my stomach hurts,” Dean grinned and Seamus nodded in agreement. The room suddenly seemed more silent now the laughter had died down and both of them realized just how close they were. Once they caught eye contact, it was impossible to stop as the tension thickened. Both had an idea of what they wanted from this moment but neither of them wanted to move first.

Finally, Dean leaned up and captured Seamus' lips with his own. It was awkward and slightly embarrassing but the feeling of Seamus' soft lips sealed around the bottom of his felt like heaven. He leaned forward, whining when Seamus pulled away, not wanting it to end. Seamus became conscious of the situation, scrambling to pull away from Dean who only pulled him back down.  
“Dean, I-I,” Seamus was flustered and panicked but Dean simply helped arranged him to lie more comfortably. Seamus relaxed a little, he was exhausted anyway so a rest wouldn't hurt.

“I like you Seamus, have done for a while now,” Dean confessed and watched the smaller boy's face for any sign of regret or hate.  
“You too, b-but I don't, I don't know if I-I can,” Seamus' voice trailed away as he traced patterns on the polished wooden floor with his finger.  
“You don't have to do anything you don't want to,” Dean whispered and Seamus hummed in reply. After a minute of calm and lying there, Dean patted Seamus' back.

“Right come on, I wanna see you dance. No excuses, you're beautiful,” Dean said which sent a blush creeping onto Seamus' cheeks and he found he really couldn't refuse.  
“Alright but just one song!” He shouted to Dean who had made his way over to watch by the wall. Seamus shouted for the music and posed himself in the middle of the room. He felt very self-conscious but he knew he had to do it now or he'd never get over his fear of picking back up his ballet shoes.

The music started and immediately Seamus felt the same joy he always did, all his cares melted away as he glided around the room. Dean watched again, this time even more stunned at the talent Seamus had. He finished with a slow one handed flip that Dean didn't even know was possible and slid gracefully to the floor. Dean began to clap, he was determined to show just how impressed he was with the performance and Seamus got up and walked over, still beaming despite the lack of self-confidence.

“Thanks,” he muttered shyly and Dean pulled him in for a hug.  
“You're incredible Seamus, this is what you were born to do, I know it,” Dean spoke passionately, desperate to keep Seamus reaching for his dreams.  
“I-I don't know, my dance is a bit... specific,” Seamus said as he pulled away and grabbed the water that appeared.  
“In what way?” Dean asked, intrigued to know more about it.  
“Well, what it's about,” Seamus said and he knew what the next question was going to be just as the words had left his mouth. He really didn't want to answer.  
“What is it about? I-I mean, if you want to say,” Dean added, seeing Seamus reverting back to going quiet.  
“Maybe one day,” Seamus replied, wondering himself if that day would ever arrive.

It was a few months later, just after training that Dean asked again.  
“You never did tell me what your pieces are about,” he said randomly while Seamus got changed. As boyfriends and dorm mates, privacy between them had rapidly disintegrated.  
“Sit down, I need to tell you something.” Seamus was nervous. He knew due to some... events that had happened and the circumstances that they were in, that it would need to be addressed but that didn't make it any easier.

“My dances are actually about... my sexual attraction,” Seamus tried to word it so he could ease into saying it rather than just stating it outright.  
“You mean, they're about being gay?” Dean guessed and Seamus shrugged.  
“Kinda, but it also goes deeper than that,” Seamus swallowed and noticed his shaking hands.  
“I'm not sure what you mean,” Dean said as he turned to Seamus, he instantly noticed how nervous he was, “hey, you alright?” Dean whispered as he took Seamus' sweating palms in his.  
“Yeah, it's just something I-I never said before,” Seamus admitted and his words started getting stuck in his throat.  
“Oh right, well, it's okay,” Dean fumbled over his words as he never was very good at big serious moments. It made Seamus laugh a little.

“I-I'm asexual,” he managed to say it and Dean's face dropped which immediately made Seamus panic.  
“I-I, um, sorry, I-I just.” Seamus' heart was racing and his eyes were filling up.  
“But I-I thought we were... dating, I-I mean I thought you liked me?” Dean's voice cracked and Seamus was shocked to actually see him crying.  
“I do, a-and we are!” Seamus assured him, seeing that he probably didn't understand what he meant.  
“But you just said you're asexual, that means you don't date people right?” Dean said and Seamus sighed.

“No Dean, oh love,” Seamus pulled him in, not being able to stand the sight of the taller boy crying, “it just means I don't feel sexual attraction. I still feel it romantically,” Seamus explained and that calmed Dean down a bit as he wiped his tears away. He felt a little stupid for suddenly bursting into tears before he even understood what he was crying about but when it came to Seamus, Dean had too much heart.

“S-So you don't want to have s-sex with me? Am I not attractive to you?” Dean asked and it wasn't angry like the words seemed, it was more hurt and confused.  
“Dean, you're beautiful, it's not you. I just don't want to have sex with anyone at all,” Seamus smiled as he threaded a hand through Dean's hair, coming down to cup his jaw.  
“O-Oh right... okay,” Dean said, trying to understand.

“Is that okay? You can ask me anything if you think it'll help,” Seamus offered and Dean relaxed into him, placing his head on Seamus' shoulder.  
“So, you don't want to have sex? O-Or you can't have sex?” Dean sounded like he was stepping on eggshells, desperate not to ask an unknowingly rude or obvious question.  
“It's just that sex doesn't make me feel anything, it's like if I were to put you on an island full of lasses, you would recognize they're attractive but you wouldn't want to have sex with them. That's what I feel, except with everyone. I can still have sex but I don't find it hot like other people do.” Seamus explained, thanking that his late night secret searching had come in handy.

“B-But you still... you know...” Dean felt awkward saying it despite the fact they were dating.  
“I'm not sure I get what you mean.”  
“You still... do it... like, yourself?” Dean stuttered and Seamus almost cooed at the awkwardness.  
“You mean do I still wank?” Seamus filled it in and Dean covered his face with his hands.  
“Yeah but I didn't want to just... say it like that!” Dean cringed.

“I don't see what's so embarrassing but alright, I do _do it myself,_ if you want to put it like that. But it's more just 'cus I have to, I don't really want to. Yeah, I get the odd boner but it seems just as mundane as pissing to me. I can still come though, some others can't.” Seamus sighed and Dean's questions stopped.

“Is that okay? I mean, I understand if you want to find someone else.” Seamus asked seriously and Dean turned to face him.  
“I would never, I'll just keep 'doing it myself',” Dean smiled before he leant in to kiss Seamus. At the last second, however, he pulled away and a part of Seamus' heart broke.

“O-Oh, you don't wanna... okay,” Seamus turned away feeling slightly rejected, he knew the coming out had gone too well so far.  
“N-No! I didn't know if you'd just been doing t-that for me. I mean, I-I don't know where your boundaries are.”  
“Kissing is fine, Dean, although you're sweet for thinking about that,” Seamus smiled and Dean relaxed, planting a few soft kisses on and around Seamus' mouth, “hell, if you were really that desperate you could drop to your knees and blow me but I can't promise I'd feel much,” Seamus joked and Dean laughed, rolling his eyes.  
“You're unbelievable.” He replied, shaking his head.

Rumours began to spread around the school once everyone heard about their relationship. Being one of the only gay couples meant they were, for some reason, a hot topic in conversation.  
“Did you hear that Dean and Seamus did it in the Room Of Requirement?”  
“I heard Dean give him a BJ in the prefect bathroom.”  
“No, that was in the library, duh.”  
They seemed to be everywhere but nobody had dared question them on it until one night in the dorm.

“So, you two are getting busy then?” Ron winked at Dean from where they all sat, the couple curled up around each other.  
“What?” Dean squinted and he and Harry began giggling.  
“You must have heard the rumours! You've done it in nearly every classroom in the school apparently!” Harry laughed. He could feel Seamus shift awkwardly, he was still a bit nervous that Dean would one day get fed up of not having a partner to fuck despite the brave face he put on.

“Shut it you two,” He snapped which stupidly made them laugh harder.  
“Oooh, the rumours must be true, Harry! Do you think they've done it in your bed?” Ron added and Harry grimaced, hitting Ron's arm.  
“You are so gross! Eww!” Harry squealed and Ron started making moaning noises.  
“Oh yes! Oh Seamus, fuck me harder, yes! Oh yeah.”

Seamus leaned over to Dean and whispered, feeling uncomfortable.  
“I'm going to go, see you later.”  
With that, he was up and out of the room. Dean tried to ignore the tear tracks on Seamus' cheeks like he'd want, but he knew Seamus was still coming to terms with being an asexual in a relationship with a sexual person and it did hurt him a bit.

Dean was patient and sometimes Seamus tried to get rid of it, begged Dean to fuck him just so they could be a normal couple but Dean just pulled him in and held him tighter, whispering that sex didn't matter. Seamus would cry sometimes, it was very rare but being surrounded by teenagers, especially boys, who were living and breathing sex made it difficult for Seamus to accept and believe he was normal. Dean was there too, wiping his tears away and reminding him that all these hormones would be gone soon and it would calm down. It was slightly tough on Dean as he couldn't deny that he wanted Seamus badly, as would anyone with a stunning boyfriend, but no part of him would ever think about forcing sex on him or leaving him so he continued to jerk off to fantasies.

Harry and Ron noticed Seamus leave but they seemed to think that was something to joke about too.  
“Oooh, is someone getting a bit touchy? I mean I thought you'd have fucked the frustration out of him by now, Thomas!” Ron winked and that sent Dean through the roof.  
“Shut your stupid fucking gob, Weasley.” He was seething, they could see they'd made him upset but they still pushed and pushed.  
“What's up your arse Dean? Oh wait, probably Seamus,” Harry commented and Dean had had enough.

“Stop it, both of you. You insensitive little fucks. Seamus is upset and you two are mocking it as if hurting him is something to be proud of! Should be ashamed of yourselves,” Dean spat and their laughter died down finally.  
“You haven't done it then?” Harry asked and Dean wondered why they were so fixated on his and Seamus' sex lives.  
“No. We haven't, now shut up about it,” Dean answered but it didn't seem to do much except bring up more questions.

“Why not? You've been together for months, don't tell me you're waiting for marriage,” Ron scoffed and Harry laughed.  
“Why can't you just leave me alone?” Dean sighed, he was sick of being interrogated by his friends, if he could even call them that right now.  
“We want to know!”  
“Yeah Dean, we're just worried about you!”  
“Come on, why not? Are you shy, I'm sure Harry here could give you some ti-”

What came next was something Dean deeply regretted from the moment onwards.  
“SEAMUS IS ASEXUAL OKAY, HE DOESN'T HAVE SEX! NO, I'M NOT WAITING UNTIL MARRIAGE, NO I'M NOT SHY. NO, IT'S NOT MY CHOICE.” Dean shouted angrily.  
“Mate, I-”  
“NO HARRY, SHUT UP. YOU REALLY THINK I'M JUST PUTTING IT OFF FOR THE FUN OF IT, YOU THINK IF I HAD A CHOICE I-”  
“DEAN!”  
“WHAT RON, WHAT NOW?!”  
“You might want to look behind you mate,” Harry pointed towards the door.

Seamus stood there, the tears he'd managed to stop before were back, and pouring down his face.  
“Shay, I didn't-”  
“Y-You, h-how could you j-just,” Seamus burst into tears at the door but refused to break eye contact and Dean felt his heart sink.  
“Shay, baby, I'm sorry I didn't mean to. I was just angry, I-I.”  
“Save it, Dean.” Seamus walked to his bed, pulling the curtains shut all around even though you could still hear the sobbing. Dean sat on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands wondering why on earth he said what he did. Harry and Ron tried to comfort him but he told both of them to fuck off, this was partly their fault for getting him so riled up in the first place. That night was tense.

The next morning the three boys were awoken at 6 am by a horrible retching sound echoing from Seamus' bed. Dean didn't hesitate to rush to Seamus' side. He looked quite a state, his face red, his eyes puffy, his skin pale and he was gagging into the bin, his body tensing up. Dean sat next to him and began to rub his back.  
“Are you okay love?” Dean whispered.  
“Don't talk to me, go away,” Seamus spoke before leaning over the bin again.

“Do you need me to get someone? Would you like some water?” Dean was determined not to let Seamus be ill, particularly not over him and his idiotic mistake.  
“I said go away,” Seamus repeated, chewing on his wobbling lip.  
“I think it's best if we take this one mate,” Ron appeared behind them and Dean scowled at him.  
“I've got it.” He snapped back.  
“He wants you to leave, Dean, give him a break,” Harry chimed in and as much as Dean wanted to stay for many reasons, he knew having him there would hurt Seamus more so he stepped away and let Harry and Ron comfort him instead.

They ended up shuffling him off to Madame Pomfrey while he was still crying and Dean could not have felt any worse than he did in that moment. He tried questioning Harry and Ron but they had little to say and he begged to be allowed in to see Seamus but they refused over and over. He knew he deserved the hurt and the heartbreak for what he'd said and he knew he'd lost his boyfriend for good but he couldn't give up, he loved Seamus too much to give up.

Seamus got let out once they realised his sickness was due to too much crying rather than any illness and he spent the rest of the day curled up in his bed. He felt like he'd lost everything, like he'd never be loved. Worst of all, the only person who he thought understood, had outed him in front of his friends and thought he never had a choice but to put up with Seamus' sexuality. That's what he'd been doing, putting up with it all. Putting up with his asexuality, putting up with his dancing, putting up with him. He was just something to be tolerated.

Dean came back to his dorm and wondered if Seamus was back as they'd told him he left the hospital wing. He slid the curtain back hesitantly but was met with only empty, crumpled sheets. Dean knew exactly where he'd gone.

'My lover's got humour  
She's the giggle at a funeral  
Knows everybody's disapproval  
I should've worshipped her sooner'

The music was new when Dean came through the door, he knew every piece Seamus danced to and he'd never heard this before. He started to watch and instantly knew he was throwing his heart into this piece, he'd never seen the boy put so much energy in his moves. The reaching out and curling in added a human element to it but then he'd flip backward and suddenly he was gliding again.

By the end, Dean was crying, he understood every move, he saw the emotion on Seamus' face. The lyrics fit perfectly to how Dean knew Seamus must be feeling and it all hit Dean like a truck at how painful those words had been. He was still trying to be silent in case Seamus hadn't noticed. He still sat crouched on the floor, panting, when he spoke.

“I knew you'd come here eventually,” Seamus' words were dry and emotionless as he'd thrown everything into his performance.  
“Seamus, I-I don't have the words to say how sorry I am. What you just did then, I swear to god it could change the world, Shay.”  
“What's the point in changing the world when I don't even wanna be in it anyway,” Seamus dragged himself over to his water, leaning his sweat slicked head on the mirror.

“Don't say that.”  
“Why not? It's true.”  
Dean didn't have a response. He wanted to pull him in, give him the world and watch him make it better but he couldn't even catch eye contact.

“I love you, you know. I adore you,” Dean stated it as if he was stating what his timetable was.  
“Don't say things you don't mean,” Seamus replied.  
“Well, what if I do mean it?” Dean asked, hoping to catch him out.  
“Then you're lying to yourself,” Seamus replied before getting up and starting his normal music again.

He did some freestyle and practiced a piece he'd been working on with Dean. He couldn't help but shout out praises like he always did when Seamus got something right that Dean knew he'd been working on. Seamus never stopped but he never replied either. Once he was worn out he made his way back to his water.

“I need to change now so could you...” Seamus said as he began taking his shoes off.  
“Shay, you know I've seen you a million times. We need to talk about this,” Dean pleaded.  
“That was before, you're not mine now so,” Seamus trailed off, his voice breaking before he tried to pull himself together, “I don't see what there's to talk about. I'm doing you a favour here,” Seamus said as he sat and waited, clearly standing his ground on not getting changed with Dean there.

“How are you doing me a favour? Even if you were, I don't deserve one.” Dean sighed.  
“You don't want to put up with having someone who is asexual so now you don't have to, and you're right, you don't deserve it but you know,” Seamus shrugged it off, getting impatient to change.  
“What I said was a stupid mistake, I didn't mean it. They were riling me up and I just wanted to make them stop by the time you came back so they didn't make you more upset.”  
“Well, you sure did that,” Seamus sarcastically commented.

“I know, I know. Please, Seamus, talk to me. I know I'm the shittiest person on the planet but I fucking love you, I do. I love every part of you, your sexuality, your dancing, your smile, your body, your-”  
“There you go again, unbelievable.”  
“What?”  
“My body, Dean. That's all you want. Do you know what, take it. Shag me on the floor, right now. If that's what it takes to get you to leave me alone then just do it, Dean. That's what you really want.”

“Shay-”  
“Don't 'Shay' me. I bet all I was, was an experiment huh? You started off kissing me, whining when I pulled away then you find out I'm asexual and I bet that just made the challenge to shag me even better, didn't it?” Seamus was angry now, his jaw clenched and his lips pressed together.  
“You know it wasn't like that at all,” Dean replied, horrified that Seamus could even think that of him.

“Do I? When was the last time you talked to me without kissing me, Dean? When was the last time my sexuality wasn't brought up or in the background? When was the last time you actually cared about me over touching me? Holding my hand, putting your arms on my waist, dancing with you on me. It was always about sex, Dean, I just wished I'd noticed that sooner.” Seamus finished his list and Dean started to see how it could look from another perspective.

“Shay, I swear I-I didn't see it like that. I did those because I was scared if I stopped touching you completely you'd think it was because of your sexuality. I wanted to show you that I love you without having sex and I thought you liked being close to me. If you hated it, you should have told me, Shay. I don't care about anything other than making you happy.” Dean said as he felt a few tears dribble down his cheeks.  
“Dean,” Seamus sighed, hating seeing him upset, “you need to think about your happiness too and if you need sex then that's okay. I just wish you'd say 'cus I get it, I do. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, they can't give you what you need and that's fine.” Seamus couldn't stay angry, it was too exhausting.

“You make me happy Shay, you always make me so happy. I won't lie, I want you, I do. The fact that you are mine, sorry were mine, and I couldn't see you in that way nearly drove me crazy some days because yes, you are beautiful. But I would never want to do anything like that because I know that's not you and I understand and love that, no matter what.” Dean sounded desperate and they could both clearly tell that. Seamus paused, letting Dean's words soak over him for a second.

“It hurt me every day you know, I felt like it was suffocating me sometimes. Always scared you were going to sleep with someone or decide you'd had enough. There were nights when we lay together and you'd just fallen asleep and I would nearly force myself to wake you up and ask you to shag me just to make it stop. Times when you woke up with a boner and I just told myself to shove it in my mouth and get it over with. Give you what you needed so you'd stay. All that and it wasn't enough, it had me wondering if I'd just done it, if I'd just kept my mouth shut and gone through with it, if-”

“Stop it, stop it baby, please,” Dean cried as he leant down and wrapped himself around Seamus. It was heartbreaking to listen to.  
“Shay, you cannot do this to yourself, okay? You need to realize that sex does not matter, please, please get that into your head. Don't you ever think about forcing yourself to do it, whether it's me or anyone else you end up with, don't you dare ever do that again,” Dean cupped Seamus' tear stained face in both hands.  
“Come here love,” Dean softened and Seamus fell into his arms, loud cried emitting from his throat.

“It's okay, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. I love you so much baby, it's gonna be alright.” Dean whispered lovingly as Seamus poured his heart out, his body shaking with sobs.  
“You don't want me, Dean,” Seamus sniffled, he had to tell the truth.  
“I do, let me prove it to you please,” Dean asked and hesitantly, Seamus nodded a yes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment and leave kudos!
> 
> Twitter- cutierobandrich  
> Tumblr- weasleytwinwonders (my prompts are open!)


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